The Path to Contentment

In less than a year’s time, I’ll turn forty.

How successful have I been?  Well if you define success for a woman as being happily married with children enrolled at private schools, frequent travel, a holiday home, a 4 x 4 vehicle and a rich wardrobe of labels, then I probably haven’t accomplished much in your book:-)

I’m a single mum, living at home with my parents, my son attends an ex-Model C school, I drive a Kia Picanto which really struggles up hills, holidays out of Durban are a possibility only if SARS gives me a decent refund at the end of the year, and it’s not uncommon for me to buy clothing at Moondrops (in Brickfield Road, Overport) (and no, they did not pay for an advertisement here!).

But according to research conducted by Time magazine, for most women, the definition of success is constantly changing.  “Conventional ideas of success become less important as you age,” it tells us.

I can vouch for that.  I spent my twenties and early thirties, restless and discontent with life, always searching for that elusive husband, chasing after that seemingly acclaimed job, a tad bit envious of people who could afford the material luxuries of life which I couldn’t.  In the process, I lost sight of what was crucial to my happiness, and slipped into a dark abyss of self-hatred, and depression.

I wouldn’t call it a waste of time though, or look back at that period of my life with regret – I prefer to consider it part of what has possibly been my greatest teacher:  experience.

And so it has come to be that I enter my forties, knowing who I am, and knowing what’s important to me; and understanding how to prioritise.

Here are five pointers I’ve picked up along the way, which have helped me attain contentment.  I hope that they will benefit you too.

• Prioritise your children over men – you may never have another child again, but there’ll be a time and a place to meet that special someone.
• Take time out for yourself – this may sound clichéd but how many of us really do this? A cup of tea outside at sunrise, a wash and blow at a salon, a movie complete with popcorn and Coke on your own – these moments you spend with yourself do wonders for the soul.
• Never take your loved ones (parents, children, siblings, relatives and friends) for granted – show them you care and make time for them (even if you feel they don’t do the same for you – remember that could just be an incorrect perception).
• If you’ve been given the opportunity to assist your parents in any way, grab it! They have made many sacrifices for you and whilst they are here, it’s not too late to reciprocate.
• Help those less fortunate than you regularly. If you have been blessed with financial wealth, this could be monetarily through assisting them with their children’s school fees etc.  But wealth is so much more than money.  Visiting an ailing person in hospital, teaching a child how to read, babysitting for your single mum friend – all of these amount to giving off yourself.
• In conclusion, count your blessings – literally. As often as possible.

Fatima Asmal is a freelance journalist based in Durban.  A single mother to a ten year old boy, she runs Evolve Media & Communications and regularly contributes to the Mail & Guardian.  Fatima also directs ILM-SA a non-profit organisation dedicated to assisting socio-economically disadvantaged communities and individuals.